Wednesday, 22 December 2010

Sentence first- verdict afterwards. Chapter Four.

LOOKING-GLASS HOUSE. In which two alliances are made.

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Where Jervis Tetch was at that particular moment was the other side of Gotham, a good many miles away from the sewer that had initiated the voyage, as he opened the door to the run-down hat shop for the second time in as many days to allow his weary guest to enter.

Alice couldn’t even remember how they had got there, the nervous exhaustion from the whole ordeal having left her in a daze. She had been vaguely aware of exiting the underground labyrinth somewhere near the water front before taking some sort of boat from somewhere to somewhere else, part of the journey spent passing through a plane of sweet-smelling rushes that she had never known grew within the city limits. After that there might have been five minutes or two hours of walking, for all she could recall; some amount of drawing back into side-streets to avoid people distorting the time, but with the early night drawing in to their advantage nobody had given a second glance to the couple hurrying back to their lodgings in the December chill.

Now finding herself in a narrow, old-fashioned boutique, Alice fell into the first chair she came across, almost falling asleep against the radiator right there and then as her guide set to lighting a gas lamp. She blinked at it in bleary confusion as he explained something about the electricity still being shut off apologetically, unused buildings, something along those lines.

“Oh, that’s fine… Jervis, I don’t mind…” Her half-comprehending response cut itself off in a long yawn behind her damaged hand before she finally succumbed to sleep, her body and mind relapsing from the shock and exertion.

How many hours later she woke she couldn’t tell, save that it was light, and from the angle it was falling in across the bed she found herself in it must have been well past ten in the morning. Sitting up she rubbed her eyes, trying to process the most peculiar dream she’d just been having, when she realised her hand was wrapped up in something.

A sleep-smothered second of figuring out that it was not bedding as she’d supposed resulted in her blinking in mild confusion at the neat binding, the scent of ointment issuing from beneath the small bandage. Attempts to flex her fingers summoned a dull but entirely real pain which dispelled the last of her drowsiness, along with the remaining impression that what had happened had simply been a dream.

Looking around the unfamiliar room with its unfamiliar ceiling and unfamiliar curtains sent the revelation slamming home like a judge’s gavel; she hadn’t dreamt all that. She really had run away from home. She had run away from her husband by following a white rabbit to fall down a hole and escape underground to some unknown location with a notorious villain, a man condemned as insane as the product of her own influence on him; the Mad Hatter.

She sat back against the pillow, quite winded from the analysis.

“Jervis…” Straining her ears above the distant sound of traffic she could make out some sort of activity taking place downstairs. Looking down at her sleep-crumpled clothes she wondered whether one ought to feel so self conscious about one’s appearance regarding an escaped lunatic.

“But he did save you, my dear,” she reminded herself, “and one really ought to try to be presentable for people who do that sort of thing. Besides,” she patted down the worst of the creases in her dress as she made for the door, “he did sound terribly sane for a lunatic.”

But how did one know what a lunatic sounded like? Alice wondered, as she made her way down the narrow stairs, finding herself in the shop front along with a good many dusty shelves and plastic-wrapped hats, the sounds of what might have been cooking floating from behind the door marked ‘employees only.’ Deciding that if Jervis counted as an ‘employee only’ then she probably did as well, the curious lady opened the door incrementally, the fact that she could have just as easily walked out of the front door to her freedom not even crossing her mind.

“Oh, Alice! You’re awake, excellent.”

The man who was beaming at her, waving a spatula cheerfully over something that Alice could only suppose had been potentially edible at some point, hardly looked like a mad-man escaped from an asylum for the criminally insane. Indeed, it was taking her some effort not to laugh at the sight of Jervis trussed up in a faded chequered apron, evidently enjoying his new-found freedom, if in a rather disastrous way. It was beyond her not to smile and wave a shy greeting, as she walked up to see what he was doing to unfortunate contents of the skillet, waving aside plumes of oily smoke.

“Jervis, what are you making?” Other than a glorious mess, she wondered.

“Why, breakfast of course! Or, well,” the blond-haired man looked down at the smouldering substance in a puzzled way, “I thought I was; only it doesn’t look quite right, does it?”

“It doesn’t look quite left,” she giggled down at the charred food through a small fit of coughing- it was a wonder the fire alarm hadn’t gone off, “it’s all but disappeared! Whatever did you do to it?!”

There was some discussion over the fact that scientists evidently shouldn’t take up the culinary arts before the pair disposed of the blackened stuff, laughing like school children after a chemistry experiment gone awry in the most spectacular manner. It took them both a good five minutes of talking like this to notice that they probably ought not to be; a moment of soberness falling over the pair as the mirth left the atmosphere along with the smoke.

“… Perhaps,” Alice started, after an awkward silence that was about as hard to swallow as the ill-fated breakfast would have been, “I could cook for us instead?”

“You?” The escapee blinked at her in abject surprise at the suggestion; “But, you couldn’t possibly, after I…”

“After you what?” The former secretary rested her knuckles on her hips in a manner that he found quite charmingly stubborn, if rather surprising given the circumstances.

“Got me out of a terrible mess that I got myself into? I’d be the one returning the favour.” She pointed at the remaining charcoal attached to the pan, not giving Jervis so much as a second to point out that she had hardly gotten herself into that situation in the first place, let alone deserve it.

“Please,” any further thoughts about arguing flew swiftly out of his head when he found a familiar hand squeezing his in a kindly insistent way, “I… know we haven’t seen each other for a long time, and things have been rather… odd, between us,” wasn’t that the understatement of the year, “but I really wouldn’t mind, and I really am terribly fond of cooking, you know.”

“You are?”

Alice nodded, honestly, lighting up as she expounded on the topic. “I could make you an omelette I tried making last week? It’s got courgette and red onion and paprika and, oh, all sorts of things in it! Billy really li-” Another awkward silence practically clouted her over the head, as she stalled, replacing the impetus of speech with a bite to the lip.

“W-well, I think it worked out pretty well, anyway; it’s my own invention.” Her optimism recovered itself at the last part, which she announced with innocent pride. Part of Jervis was tempted to ask whether it was based on blotting paper and sealing wax, but the ramblings of the white knight would probably have confused the matter more than aiding it.

“That sounds positively frabjous! Oh, only, there aren’t any eggs…”

“I could go and get some?”

“You would?” He regarded Alice yet again with surprise, as her platinum locks bobbed in confirmation. He knew he ought to protest and offer to go out himself, but with the news having circulated so far and wide, and his distinctive appearance… a gloved hand rubbed guiltily on his sleeve as he tilted his head in admittance; “It might prove more successful than my own endeavours… are you sure you’re alright with going alone?”

Alice smiled fit to out-do a Cheshire cat, the prospect of exploring an unknown part of a dangerous city seeming to be quite a delightful prospect to her. “Oh yes, of course! I’ll be careful, don’t worry; and I’ll try not to be recognised.” She confirmed, although she wasn’t really sure of how to do this last part at all.

Jervis seemed to have some idea though, as he smiled in an appraising manner. “Well then, you needs must have the appropriate headwear for the purpose…” Walking back through to the shop frontage, the scientist sent a hand skimming along a row of boxed objects before landing on a wide blue parcel, faded to grey on the edges.

Lifting the lid after blowing off the worst of the dust he extracted a superb piece of millinery craft, holding the object up to the light to make sure it was in good condition; it was a generously brimmed hat, the carefully formed felt a fine-brushed light blue elegantly trimmed with white lace, a wide satin ribbon in a warm, translucent pearl colour flowing over the side to accompany the bow and arrangement of feathers seated on the left side. It was an astonishingly beautiful thing, more beautiful than any hat Alice had ever seen before, as Jervis placed it over her head in a gentle sweeping motion, tying the ribbon under her chin in a surprisingly practiced manner. Tilting it by just the slightest degree he stood back to observe the result.

“Picture perfect, in every way.”

Alice blushed to the tips of her ears, touching the sides of the bonnet with reverent fingers as she stuttered; “Y-you think so? Really?”

“Absoposilutely. Why, I’d venture that hat was made for you!”

It really did look like it had been, as well; the felt was almost a dead match for the colour of her irises. Jervis had to catch himself before he started looking too smitten (although really it was already far too late for that), as he turned to the counter to extract an amount of money from the till that caused Alice to inhale sharply; there had to be at least two month’s worth of Billy’s wages there. Noticing her expression as he handed her the cash the former work-colleague shrugged with a confessing smile, if not an entirely innocent one.

“Sadly, my less-honest methods of living proved to be somewhat more lucrative than my former employment… don’t worry, it isn’t stolen.” Not exactly- more a voluntary donation of sorts, he added mentally, as she looked on the verge of handing it back; although he couldn’t read her mind to understand it was the generosity, not the origin of the money, which had flummoxed her for the present. “There’s a high-street just to the South of this area; you’ll be needing some new clothes and other such conveniences. I’m afraid this establishment wasn’t designed with visitors in mind... Please; get anything and everything you want, it’s the least I can do.”

Walking down the main street, which she had found with little difficulty, Alice had to confess that life under the hat was a vast improvement. There had been some continued argument on her part that she simply couldn’t take such a beautiful object and such a vast sum of spends, but there had been no acceptance of any such claims on the Hatter’s part, Alice eventually having to give in and leave the shop with a final farewell smile and a wave.

Now looking up at the tall, graceful buildings that rose either side of her with their long glass windows and brightly varnished doors, Alice had to check that she wasn’t skipping instead of walking; she felt elated. How wide the pavement was here, how very like a horse’s whinny that woman’s laugh sounded, how bracing the breeze that chased itself amongst the bustling crowd was. Realising that she herself was a part of this crowd, an individual amongst a great mass of individuals, Alice had to find the excuse of laughing at a street performer to permit the bubble of joy that had found its way of her mouth. She threw a coin into the musician’s hat on the floor, touching the brim of her own to him when he bowed obligingly.

Continuing on at a spritely pace she considered her reflection as she walked alongside it, watching it skip between clothes shops and bookstores as easily as a ghost. And how very lovely that hat looked on the mirror girl, and how well it hid her profile behind the slanting rim and ribbon; it made her feel as if she were wearing a mask. Even from behind one could only catch sight of a little of her long yellow hair, and in this part of town, why, she couldn’t even claim to know the postman. She smiled to herself again, thinking it a terrific game- to be able to walk a street, as invisible as any other stranger.

“Ah, but you aren’t quite yet, you know,” she reminded herself, looking down at her familiar grey-green dress, earning an odd glance from a couple walking past her as she spoke to nobody; “-and it would never do for you to turn down such generosity.”

Noting the shop that she had stopped outside was a dress-makers of some sort, a smile lit up her face at the pantomime display in the window; the outfit between the rendition of Peter Pan’s Wendy and the Sugar-Plum Fairy seeming to leap out at her from the glass, as she eagerly stepped in through the door to converse with the old lady at the till who looked uncommonly like a sheep.

“I won’t have it!”

The young man with the blockish jaw smote the commissioner’s office with the flat of his palm a second time, as the white-haired gentleman attempted to pacify his ill-tempered client.

“Now, Mr Antrim, you have to understand; these procedures take time, and if the neighbours say you had an argument before she left… well, we can’t afford to spare the police force on-”

“You think I’m jumping to a conclusion?!” Billy leaned over the hard-working man’s papers in a manner that didn’t intimidate the experienced Gordon in the slightest. “Well perhaps I am- because it’s the correct one! Don’t tell me you’re going to take this as a co-incidence; that lunatic breaks out, and Alice goes missing the very next day?”

The commissioner grimaced in a slightly more relenting way; “The two do lend themselves to the suggestion…”

“Lend themselves to the-?!” Billy threw his hands into the air in a passionate gesture; “It’s as near to infallible proof as be damned! We can’t waste time debating it as a possibility! For all I know she could be trussed up in some car’s trunk, or tied to the mast of a sinking ship, or being forced to-“

“Yes, yes, I get the point,” Gordon held up a hand to stem the tirade; “I have dealt with these sorts before, you know…”

“So you agree?”

The experienced man pondered for a moment, fingers pressed together under his chin as he considered his opinion despite the impatient agitation that Billy was exuding.

“I agree that these two instances may well be related,” he tapped a finger against the papers on his desk indicatively; “however, with the police forces spread so thin at the moment, I simply cannot spare the man power at the present time, and considering Jervis’s history with Mrs Antrim, I do not believe her to be in any immediate danger. Dr Leland supports me in this theory.”

If Billy had spluttered any more he might have been in danger of literally choking himself.

“No immediate danger?!”

“I’d extend that to ‘any’ danger, myself,” the Doctor stood, having been sat quietly in the corner watching the proceedings until now, as she endeavoured to explain; “Mr Tetch’s case is a particularly unique one. As… unpredictable as he is, from our observations of him during his stays at Arkham, I would say that the concept of harming Alice would be as abhorrent to him as it is to you, Mr Antrim.”

Billy frowned at her persistent logic, and really, ‘his stays at Arkham’? What was that place meant to be, a hotel? “So that’s it. You aren’t going to do anything? Just leave her to whatever depraved imaginings that buck-toothed freak had planned for her?”

“Now, we never said that,” again, Gordon defused the irate man by placing sagacious hand in the air, ignoring the icy look Dr Leland was giving the irate husband, “I’ll set however many men I can spare onto it straight away, but I can’t say I’d expect that to be more than half a dozen, and Bullock is still following a lead on Posion Ivy. Until we’ve settled the panic this whole affair has caused that’s all I can offer, but I assure you that we will do everything in our power to return your wife to you, safe and sound.”

Seeing that the commissioner seemed unlikely to take this discourse any further, Mr Antrim muttered a few black sounding words under his breath as he swung himself out of the room, Dr Leland breathing out through her nostrils with narrowed eyes as the door closed behind him.

“Well, he was a pleasant customer.”

Gordon wiped a tired hand over his face with a sigh; “Now, Leland; he has good reason to be concerned. His wife was at the heart of the matter that started all of this, after all. He was a victim himself at the time; becoming distressed over a development like this is quite forgivable.”

Dr Leland made a noise that could have been interpreted as begrudging acceptance. Gordon took it as sufficient signal to proceed with their discussions; “Now, you were telling me about your theories as to where Miss Isley may have retreated to…?”

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Having bidden Alice farewell on her voyages, Jervis had decided to set about making the shop look a little more like a shop and less like a derelict hide-out. Dusting the front of the store had taken a great deal longer than he’d thought, but finally the place could be traversed without a cloud of dirt rising behind your every footstep, and he stood back to observe the layer of polish he’d just given to the service desk with a glimmering of pride at the accomplishment; circuitry, yes, but woodwork had never really been his forte.

“There now, that’s at least two impossible things done before breakfast;” he commended himself, as he set about arranging the packaged hats in order, selecting a few to take out to put on display, “and I dare say that you could count it as three, with dear Alice being so accommodating.”

Who would have supposed she’d even talk to him after all that, let alone after causing her to fall down a manhole? The fact that she’d offered to make breakfast, well; it was enough to make a Mock Turtle dance! He swept a fine wool bowler onto a hat-stand, setting it at a becoming angle whilst humming a snatch of something that might never have been written. Still, pulling the watch out of his waistcoat pocket, he had to wonder how she was faring; certainly she needed the time to get her bearings and adequate supplies, but it had been quite a few hours since…

“Oh, you foolish, foolish man.”

A gloved palm smote his forehead at the obviousness of the situation. Of course she’d fled; gone to the police, little doubt, and who would blame her? Certainly not he: sighing in resignation he couldn’t even bring himself to contemplate making a run for it. No, he’d earned this, and she’d every right to be the one to turn him in. Then again, perhaps she just wanted to escape from everything; leave this city and its bad memories behind, and him with it.

He smiled a sad smile of acknowledgement at this plausible notion;

“Always such an intelligent girl.”

“I do hope you aren’t talking about me behind my back.”

The hat Jervis had been reluctantly removing from its box almost shot straight out of his hands to the ceiling, as the voice came in through the door laughingly- he’d been so occupied he hadn’t even heard the bell sound when she’d stepped over the threshold.

“A-Alice! Ah, I was just…”

Just…

What had he been doing?

Whatever he’d been doing, thinking or otherwise, had completely evaporated from the poor man’s mind, along with his mind, for the sight that greeted him on turning around had quite robbed him of any and all remaining senses he had.

It was if an illustration by Sir John Tenniel had come to life. Everything, right down from the charmingly natural blond hair down to the shining silver buckles on the simple black shoes, was something that only his most wonderful dreams could have conjured. For a moment he wondered whether he had become trapped in his own dream machine, as he observed the young woman beaming from ear-to-ear conduct a spritely twirl in the sky-blue dress, swaying it from side to side whilst admiring it herself.

“What do you think?! Isn’t it darling?”

Alice deposited the half-dozen bags on the counter, holding the skirt out at the sides as she conducted an experimental curtsy, though she didn’t really know how to do one. She explained brightly to the stunned looked scientist; “You ought to do that, when you’re thinking. It saves time.”

This seemed to send Jervis into even further dizziness, as he quite forgot about the hat which had tumbled to the floor, taking a step back from the vision of beauty. “You… that’s… you know that line?” He pinched himself quite hard to ascertain that he was not dreaming; to his astonishment it hurt. Regardless he repeated the action just in case.

“Of course!” Alice pouted so prettily Jervis thought there ought to be rules against that sort of thing; “My parents used to read me Alice in Wonderland when I was little- I mean, I am called Alice, silly, of course they would!”

“Of course they- no… no this is all wrong, I can’t, you can’t possibly…”

Watching the flummoxed man back himself against a wall Alice quirked her head to the side curiously; why, he almost looked afraid! And what on Earth would he ever be afraid of me for? She wondered, justifiably.

“What’s the matter? Don’t you like it?”

“Don’t I-?! I, of course, but you-” Jervis’s head looked as if it didn’t know how to nod or shake properly, as it ending up doing a funny sort of diagonal twitch occasionally. “You really shouldn’t have… I mean…”

It appeared to be something that had to be addressed whether he wanted to or not, as several therapy sessions at Arkham about the subject came back to clock him around the ears as he sighed in explanation, remembering what Dr Leland had said about the matter; “Alice, you’re you, not that Alice… you’re your own person, you didn’t have to… this is degrading for you, isn’t it?”

“Stuff and nonsense.”

His eyes couldn’t have looked any more shocked if he’d had ten thousand volts sent through his nervous system, as Alice assumed the same hand-on-hips pose of indignation that she had before. “I’ve not had this much fun in years; and it matches this hat perfectly. Besides, you gave me the money, and I absolutely refuse to take it back.”

Grinning in a comfortingly teasing way, Alice’s face fell slightly when she saw that Jervis still looked utterly guilt stricken; really, some people were impossible to please.

Sighing with gentle reproach she walked over to take his hands, ignoring the look on his face which might have been comparable to a frightened deer.

“I got this for myself, and to say thank you.” She gave his numb fingers a little shake of encouragement with a final smile before returning to the bags, extracting an array of ingredients;

“Now, won’t you please let me make you something to eat? I kept you waiting an awfully long time for breakfast.”

She smirked, ignoring him as she walked past him into the kitchen with her arms laden with food; “How many impossible things did you manage?”

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“Useless.”

Billy spat the word venomously to himself, setting to work cutting out the jagged black shape that he’d marked out on the vinyl he’d purchased on the way back to the apartment, the craft knife working around the silhouette in ill-tempered scores.

“The whole lot of them, completely useless, sitting back twiddling their thumbs while a maniac runs around the place kidnapping people, it’s like they’re waiting until it’s too late to do anything-!”

Mr Antrim had not returned to his very big and important job at the very big and important office that evening, having stopped by a general wares suppliers to pick up some materials. Holding up the finished icon he looked at it with grim determination; the helipad floodlights on the office roof would have to suffice for the rest of the signal.

“Well, even if they’re not going to do anything about it, I know someone who will.”

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“Now come on, Crane. We know you and Tetch have had a close relationship ever since he walked in here. You're hardly the type to adhere to the idea of honor amongst thieves, but you must know something.”

The professor returned the head doctor’s scrutinising look with one of perfect boredom; “He was an interesting subject, other than I can safely say that I had no particular affections for him, or any other inmate. Have you known me to before?”

The bespectacled man frowned through his lenses at the stubbornly laconic inmate. The questioning had been going on for twenty minutes, and hadn’t turned up so much as a single clue as to why Jervis Tetch had escaped this time, nor where to.

“Perhaps not, but are you telling me that you had no knowledge of this ‘interesting subject’s intentions? Come now, he must have told you something for you all to have allowed him to escape rather than hold him back with the rest of you?” His fingers laced together in a professionally reassuring manner; “You understand that we only want to help him, don’t you? This is all for his own good.”

“That’s exactly what our former warden used to say.”

The doctor’s face blanched- he’d been hoping that Crane wouldn’t resort to that topic as a means of defence. Observing the red-haired man’s unreadable face for one last time he finally sighed in resignation, waving to the escorts; “Alright. Take the professor back to his cell, I do not believe we will make any further progress today.”

The Scarecrow having been permitted his leave, the doctor ran a hand through his greying brown hair to look askance at Leland; “What do you make of all this? Do you think we might be wasting our time here? Perhaps it was just co-incidence that forced them to work together…”

“I don’t know,” Leland shared his looked of puzzlement, although hers was more thoughtful than fatigued; “It’s just so unlike Jonathan; spreading mass panic amongst the inmates, yes; letting other villains out and helping them to escape? No.”

“Perhaps he owes some debt to Tetch? Something that happened back then-?”

“Let’s hope not,” Leland stretched, her finger hesitating over the intercom to summon the next interview subject; “Or won’t have a hope of getting any clues out of him.”

The buzzer sounded dully as she requested; “Alright, you may send Miss Quinzel through now.”

It looked like this long day was not going to end any time soon.

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Two people who didn’t mind this notion were two who both knew they really shouldn’t be having such fun, or talking like the old friends they were as if nothing strange had ever happened between them, but really, with it being so close to Christmas, what was the harm in it?

The rest of the day seemed to pass far too quickly for the pair, as they caught up with each other, discussed what their respective families used to do at this time of year, and generally whittled away the hours with pleasantly aimless conversation. Alice absently marvelled at the fact she was laughing at a joke that Jervis had told her as they chatted, not a day removed from their usual routine back at the Wane Corp’s laboratory. Everything in this place seemed so entirely opposite to the world that she had left yesterday before she fell down the rabbit-hole; the world was backwards, mirrored from everything that had been usual. The convict was a funny and faithful companion, her husband a deranged and frightening spectre. She was almost in danger of returning to the realization that she shouldn’t be enjoying herself at all, when the topic shifted again, and she happily went along with it

Well, it had been an awfully long time since she’d had such a good conversation with someone who wasn’t herself; why not enjoy it?

At some point during the discussions Jervis had commenced some repairs on the remaining cards before he set about constructing more, the only allusion to it in the dialogue being a mere question as to “why” he was making them from Alice, which was responded to by his simply replying that he’d “run out”.

Naturally this made perfect sense, and really seemed all that needed to be said on the matter, so the talk proceeded, blithely ignoring any questions that a more demanding audience might have had to contribute.

So it continued; a perfectly ordinary day spent between two old friends who hadn’t seen each other for a long time. Nothing more, nothing less, and neither could have been happier with the arrangement.

_____________________________________________________________________

“You called?”

The shadow-black voice caused Billy to jump considerably, as he turned around to come face-to-face with the cowl and cape that had surely not been there two seconds ago. Recovering himself, Mr Antrim produced the photograph he always kept in his wallet, handing it to Batman as means of explanation. It was downright surreal, meeting a costumed vigilante in the middle of the night on his workplace building’s roof; goodness knows what they’d do if they found out he’d broken in to use their helicopter lights to summon a man most of the police classed as an outlaw.

Batman’s unreadable visor scanned the picture. “Alice Pleasance?”

“You remember then, and it’s Mrs Antrim, now,” Billy corrected the imposing figure; “She’s missing.”

This caught the masked man’s attention, as the thickly eye-browed husband registered the sharp look up with a feeling of satisfaction; finally, someone who recognized trouble when he saw it.

“Since when.”

“When do you think?” Billy took the photograph back with a grim look that turned to an imploring one. “The evening after he broke out. The police won’t act; say they don’t have enough men, not enough evidence to be sure…”

Watching the eyes that seemed to pierce the darkness around them narrow into slits, Billy accurately guessed that Batman was sharing his opinion on this matter already. No great wonder; he wasn’t about to say it out loud, but with the Hatter posing as the Joker like that, it seemed that even the Batman had had the wool pulled over his eyes. At least, that was the general feeling that had been circulating thanks to the media, who seemed more intent on making the criminal look like a genius than a mad man.

“I’ll look into it.”

“What? Bu- wait!”

But he was already gone. It was hard to even tell when he’d swept off the roof in that pitch-black cape of his, but the sound of fluttering cloth and of a rope pulled taught was all that Billy had to look after; the man already vanished into the silhouettes of the night. Giving a small grimace of annoyance-come-content, Billy turned off the light and set to removing the evidence before heading home; forget the police, if anyone could return her to him, Batman could.

Monday, 20 December 2010

Sentence first- verdict afterwards. Chapter Three.


DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE. In which two enemies are earned and one is avoided.

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“He did WHAAAAT-?!”

The asylum woke the next morning to a particularly fearsome cock crow, as the Joker ripped the common-room newspaper into confetti, paper-white features even more blanched than usual as he screamed lividly at the article, Harley curling up on the far side of the sofa like a scolded dog.

“N-now, lissen puddin’, it wasn’t like he m-meant ta…”

“But that’s precisely the point- everybody THINKS that he DID!”

He grabbed another unfortunate edition, pointing accusingly at the black-and-white front and profile shots of the buck-toothed Englishman on the front spread; “It might as well be titled ‘Hatter plays Joker for a sap!’ Jacking my car, out-foxing the Batman, making everyone think I’d escaped and setting them searching in all the wrong places after the wrong man whilst I was back here playing peek-a-boo with Sergeant Smiles over there.”

He threw a thumb over his shoulder at the distinctly expressionless guard watching over the revelries of the common room. The second newspaper suffered the fate being twisted into a narrow rope before being torn in two. “I’ll be the laughing stock of Gotham after this!”

“But honey, ain’t that what you always wanted t’be?”

Harley simply earned a withering look for this suggestion.

“If that tea-sucking donkey-featured sorry excuse for a scientist had actually meant to implicate me I might have… well…” He paused to consider this for a moment. “Well, I'd still be plotting his demise, but AT LEAST HE WOULD HAVE EARNED THE CREDIT!” Clutching the spiked hair at the back of his head the Joker looked to be in real danger of pulling it off, his ire was so absolute.

“And then I find out that YOU were the one who handed him the key?!” Harley hid behind her cushion as the Joker leaned dangerously over her with a threatening finger, the guards in the room taking a warning step forwards before he left off, turning around in disgust to give a distemperate kick to an innocent chair.

“Some lackey you are! What in heaven’s name possessed you to do such a thing in the first place?!”

“W-well,” poor Harley was twisting her hands around each other so, it looked as if her fingers might never come undone again, “w-we were makin’ a break for it, when the cops appeared everywhere an’ I realized you were still inside, so I came back t’getcha while he picked up the car to give us a ride out…”

The Joker practically spat in contempt; “And you thought he would wait for us?!”

“He did!” For the first time in the whole conversation the pig-tailed girl bounced upright indignantly; “I couldn’t get past the crowd for ya, so I went back to meet him at the gate, an’ there he was! Just like he said! An’ I would got away with him too if it hadn’t been for that lousy Bat!”

“What did you say?”

Harley faltered at the growling tone of voice. As much as she adored Mr J, she never liked it when he used that voice. She shrank back down into the upholstery like a wilting plant. “U-uh… I s-said… I woulda got away if it hadn’t b…”

“Oh! Oh, so you would have got away!” The unpredictable clown clasped his hands together, one foot sticking out behind him in a balletic pose; “Well wouldn’t that have just been hunky-dory! You and your precious best-buck-toothed-buddy sailing on the wings of freedom whilst you left me here to rot you back stabbing piece of-”

This time the guards already had the straight jacket out, a minute of muffled cursing preceding the Joker squirming out of their clutches with his hands encased in the white material; “Alright alright, lay off, ya big goofs, I wasn’t gonna do nothing…” The guards exchanged raised eyebrows- they knew the Joker and his intentional double negatives all too well.

Harley pined sympathetically, stroking her idol’s arm despite the undeserving wrath he had just been threatening to be unleashed upon her; “Poor baby- but I wouldn’ta left my puddin’ all alone here, see? I was gonna come back with him to break you out later, I promise!” She whimpered up at him imploringly, her bottom lip quivering.

Her benevolent saviour appeared to regain his composure at the sight before falling back onto the sofa in a melodramatic swoon. “Ah, but the injustice! I’ve been wronged, framed, had! I tell you!” He sobbed into his sleeve in place of the back of his hand; “An’ I didn’t even get the chance to try murdering that oversized flying rodent this time!”

“Oh~! Puddin’-pie!” Harley embraced him, joining in with the scene with over-sized tears of her own; “I’m so sorry~! I didn’t mean ta get you all upset-like! I’ll make it up to you, I promise!”

“I know you will,” the painted face croaked sorrowfully into his admirer’s arms, disguising the malevolent gleam to his eyes as he repeated; “I know.”

In the meantime, one Alice Antrim sighed forlornly as she shook out the creases in the bedspread. Another day of wistfully looking out of windows, another day of dusting shelves that didn’t need dusting; in other news, another day. With the news broadcast they’d watched last night Billy hadn’t so much as permitted her to leave the house to buy a newspaper today. “Nothing to worry yourself over,” he’d said, as he’d headed out of the door with a confident smile; “you just take it easy, sweety. I’ll try to be home early tonight to make up for yesterday.”

“To keep an eye on me, you mean,” Alice had added after he’d shut the door, surprising herself.

Of course, part of her knew that it was true, but where had that outburst come from? He could have heard her, “-and goodness knows what that would have led to.” She remarked to herself, straightening the lampshade. Having to keep herself company from day to day, Alice had developed the habit of talking to herself for want of better conversation, and more often than not she ended up giving herself a sound talking to, although it seemed that she seldom took notice of it.

“Which is precisely why you end up in such trouble, young lady,” she added, flicking the feather duster with an extra severe swish. “Why, I’ve never known a girl get into such trouble without so much as leaving the house.”

“Oh, but I do wonder if I might get into less, if only I left it.” Alice countered, glancing up at the cloud-grey sky. How it had seemed so blue in an asylum she could only imagine, but the forecast was for snow this following week, so blue skies were hardly likely to be an option.

“Now dear, it’s no good talking like that,” she turned herself away from the cold panes of glass, shaking her head at the mantle piece as she set to dusting it, “he has your best interests in mind, after all, and you did push your luck yesterday with all that nonsense. A day indoors will do you a world of good.”

Her movements slowed to a pause, as she looked into the middle distance; yes, that had been precisely what they’d said to her after that had happened. She’d been so shocked by the events surrounding her friend (no, work colleague, that was all he had been) that in the week following she hadn’t felt at all able to leave the house; meeting people would have meant having to talk about it, and of course she wouldn’t have been able to deal with that, not after that sort of trauma, of course not. No, the doctors were surely right, spending a little time away from everyone to recover was just what she needed to get better, and helping you to get better was what doctors were meant to do, after all.

But then a little time had turned into quite a lot of time, and quite a lot of time had eventually cost her a job- although she didn’t much fancy returning to it anyway- and after the wedding and the honeymoon and Billy’s promotion there really didn’t seem much reason for her to look for another. Not that Billy thought that she ought to anyway; how nice it would be for her to be able to stay at home, with him earning enough for both of them to live comfortably. Why, she was practically a princess!

“Locked in an ivory tower,” she concluded, again, sitting down in her wicker chair with a soft flumping noise; she had had this discussion with herself before and always arrived at the same ending. She glanced around the spotless apartment with a self-deprecating sigh. “Oh, my dear Alice, whichever way you look at it, you really have made a terrible mess of it all, haven’t you.”

‘My dear Alice’… yes, hadn’t that been what Jervis had said yesterday? He’d often used that phrase in the office, but she’d simply taken it as fellow affection, never more than that. Even in the asylum, it had simply sounded like a typical, funny English figure of speech; just a part of her usual conversation with the shyly brilliant scientist with the comical nose and teeth, who only ever seemed to smile for her.

Unaware that she herself was smiling in a nostalgic way that very moment, she almost fell completely out of her chair in shock at the sound of Billy entering the apartment, the door slamming shut in a manner that implied that whatever the reason for his returning a whole three hours before he was due to was not strictly a result of his wish to ‘make up for yesterday.’

“ALICE!”

Had she known that her fear-bleached face bore a remarkable semblance to the very same expression that Harley Quinzel's had born this morning at the Joker’s anger, Alice would have been unlikely to have cared very much for the co-incidence, for she was very much more preoccupied in standing up and trying to figure out what sort of expression would be the least likely to result in something that wasn’t bad.

It seemed that it wouldn’t have mattered what expression she had worn though, as Billy stormed in through to the door to slam a copy of the Gotham Times down on the table with such force that it was a wonder it didn’t make a hole in it, as Alice found herself gaping open-mouthed at the picture under the main headline with the dizzying sensation of all of the air having left the room.

“What is the meaning of this?!” If Billy’s eyes had been able to bulge with fury any further they might have been at risk of shooting out of his skull, as a vein in his neck looked as if it were striving to do the same. Alice simply stood there, feeling uncommonly like a fish out of water, her mouth working silently up and down for a lack of breath with which to speak.

“HE breaks out of Arkham posing as that Joker nut-ball, and then I get a call at work, asking if you’re alright- not for the usual reasons, oh no- but because it turns out you went to VISIT HIM yesterday?!” If Billy resembled a cheerful labrador when he was contented he looked more like a rottweiler now, as he barked out the words like daggers at the cringing woman opposite him as he stepped towards her.

“I go out for one, lousy, meeting-”

“I… I know it was stupid, I’m sorry, I didn’t-” Alice walked backwards with her arms instinctively rising in defence at the sight of Billy’s own raised hand, as she tried to pull a reason out of the tangle of thoughts that were rolling around her head like a ball of knotted worsted.

“I just… wanted someone to talk to!” The thick-fingered hand descended to grip her wrist like a vice.

Talk to?” The brick-built man glowered down at the captured wretch with such ferocity it seemed to burn almost as much as the fingers clenching around her narrow forearm; “I thought I told you- the only person you ever need to talk to is ME. You remember what happened the last time you talked?” The grip tightened, Alice biting down on her lip to counter the pain and fear. “To someone else?”

She could only nod silently, tears threatening to break out of her tight-closed eyes before he practically threw her at the back wall, sending her reeling to catch onto the chair to arrest her fall. Not again, not again not again not again oh how could she have been so foolish?! It had been so obvious he would find out sooner or later, what had she been expecting? Billy appeared to be providing the answer to what she ought to have expected, the sleeves already rolling themselves up and the belt coming off as he walked towards her; he always explained afterwards that he wasn’t himself, at times like this. That it wasn’t his fault; it was only because he loved her, wanted to protect her, wanted to make her understand it was all for her own good…

“I think I need to repeat myself again, Alice…”

Shaking her head numbly she couldn’t find a way to make her lips move to tell him he didn’t need to, that if he calmed down, they could talk about it, that she’d apologise, say it had been some great misunderstanding, that the papers must have got it wrong; anything, anything but…

“ALICE!”

A furious shout threw itself against the wooden panelling Alice found between herself and the enraged Billy.

Staggering back from the bedroom door she gasped a lungful of air with the feeling that she hadn’t breathed for hours- she couldn’t even remembering having run through the door, let alone slam it shut and lock it behind her. She’d never done such a thing before, and why would she? The repeating heavy blows and increasingly violent calls from behind it were making it all too clear that it wouldn’t last for long, and that she would end up much the worse for it. Vaguely aware of a warm tickling sensation on her hand where the belt’s buckle had swiped at it she backed further away, clutching it absently as she watched the vibrating door with terror.

“ALICE! Alice! You let me through this door or so help me I’ll…”

The words continued along with the resounding impacts, the wood shuddering against the small brass lock and hinges as the petrified Alice looked desperately around her, though goodness knows what for. There was no telephone, nothing to block the door with, no means of calling for-

A spark of sunlight glinting off something at the window caught the corner of her eye.

There was a frozen moment of stark bewilderment, as Alice blinked after the small white creature that she could have sworn she just saw running down the black metal fire escape outside, before she was stung back into reality by the sound of something far heavier than a foot or fist hammering against the door handle.

Several blows later, Billy dropped the badly dented iron to wrest the door open around the broken lock; “Alice! Where are y-” The curtains billowed, the window sash still halfway open, the sound of feet clattering down metal steps still receding outside. Swearing loudly the furious spouse threw the window open the rest of the way, almost breaking the glass as he made chase after his disobedient wife.

The disobedient wife had already launched herself off the bottom-most step and into the alley-way below after the skittering toy that had flown past her window, the four tin feet chiming mechanically against the concrete as the little white rabbit veered around the corner into another side-street. She had no idea what she was doing; this was completely insane, why was she following this thing? Why had it been there in the first place? Why had she been there in the first place? The world had gone mad, and it was all she could do to keep up with it. Grabbing a lamp-post as she made the turn the sound of Billy slamming the window open crashed against her ears like a gun-shot, as her head whipped around to see where he-

“Oh-!”

The sensation of missing a step was multiplied tenfold as the world shot up and away from her eyes to be replaced by the darkness she had dropped into, the daylight seeming to disappear as if by magic as something that wasn’t hard and painful wrapped around her waist and face, her vision fading for a moment as a faint almost took her from the shock.

A voice muted by a layer of tarmac spoke somewhere overhead; “Alice?”

No reply.

“Come on honey. Stop playing games.”

The stony-faced man continued to walk down the alley, his patience expended and his voice low with anger and the awareness of potentially prying neighbours;

“You know how much I hate games…”

Blinking the flickering spots of light away from her eyes, Alice foggily contemplated the ludicrous nature of her predicament as she came back to. She had always fancied that falling down open man-holes was reserved for cartoon characters and safely out of the realms of reality, but, once again, it appeared that her knack for landing herself in trouble had done it again, quite as literally as you please.

But what a curious landing I must have had; I don’t feel the least bit sore or wet for all it being a sewer, she pulled her mind together against the insistent darkness, perhaps I landed on some plastic piping or whatever else they keep at the bottom of man-holes. Certainly that might have offered some explanation as to why there was still something coiled around her middle and mouth, but coming fully to her senses she realised that these both felt a good deal too soft and solid to be mere piping, and the one clamped over her lips felt remarkably like a hand.

A gloved hand.

Fearfully tilting her vision upwards, Alice found herself looking up at a tall, lime-green Eton collar, which was barely dimmed at all by the lack of light beneath the hurriedly replaced man-hole cover, as the air caught in her lungs regardless of the fact her nose was quite free to breathe, even if her mouth wasn’t free to speak.

Even so, she made no attempt to make any noise to protest the fact that the Mad Hatter was holding her quite still; just as much as he made no attempt to move from their spot, his eyes focused on the metal disk above them as the reverberating sound of heavy footsteps thrummed overhead.


Billy.


The footsteps paused.

A motionless stretch of time passed as the subterranean pair held onto each other with equally bated breath, looking up at the cover as if it were made of transparent glass. Jervis’s hand now holding her against him just as her own had latched onto the front of his coat, Alice found herself just as disinclined to speak with the liberty of her lips, even less so in fact, as they waited. The silence seemed to build to an unbearable crescendo before the sound of footsteps resumed, fading back to where they had come from with a muffled statement of; “She’ll come back.”

"She always comes back."

Maintaining their state of suspended animation until the noise had completely disappeared the fugitives exhaled in simultaneous relief, as Jervis slid down the metal-runged ladder they’d been leant against; evidently the Hatter had shared the same amount of anxiety from the encounter despite his role in it.

Stepping apart from each other by the smallest amount the two underwent a second, much more awkward pause as they looked at each other.

It wasn’t exactly the sort of situation where one knew how to initiate a conversation.

“Th… Thank you.” Alice finally managed to stutter in her familiar lisp, jumping slightly at the sound of her voice after the concentrated silence. Jervis seemed relieved to hear it, as he smiled sheepishly.

“Don’t mention it.”

Having offered her a gloved hand she began to reach out for it, but hesitated, the circumstances and memories landing in her consciousness like a leaden weight. She was underground, in a sewer, with a mad man; a man that she had driven to madness, a convicted criminal who had already kidnapped her once after forcing Billy to break off his engagement with her with one of his mind control devices. What if that was what was happening? What if that was why Billy had become so aggressive during all these months? Was that how he’d known where they’d be? That they’d be arguing? This train of thought must have occurred to the man standing opposite to her at the same time, as his own hand retracted reluctantly, his face etched with an expression of sad comprehension.

“I didn’t.”

There was something in the way he said it that made it almost impossible to think he was lying; she couldn’t have known that it was because he was telling the truth at that moment. Turning away with a sigh he spoke with his back to her, his voice dulled and echoing from the water and rounded walls.

“I… understand if you do not, but if you wish to follow, I would be grateful for it.”

Setting off down the tunnel ahead of him it took every nerve in his body to resist the instinct to look behind him, as the sound of his footsteps remained unaccompanied for some ten metres before- “Jervis, wait!”

Whether he simply imagined it or whether his feet actually floated an inch above the ground at that moment Jervis would never know, as he felt a slender-fingered hand wrap itself around his own from behind quite of its own volition before he had even managed to stop walking. As if his joy wasn’t covert enough already, turning to see her smiling meekly up at him with trusting eyes cemented his conviction that, no matter what had come before, no mattered what happened hereafter, he would never jeopardize this friendship of theirs again. He gave her hand a comforting squeeze before leading them down the narrow pass.

“I really must apologise for the décor…”

A sleep-deprived and exceedingly grumpy Bruce Wane returned to the manor that night to startle Alfred (who, naturally, did not look startled in the slightest) by slamming a fist down on the face that had been grinning mockingly up at him from the newspaper’s now famous front page the entire day.

“A fool! He played me for a damned fool, Alfred!” He gestured furiously out of the tall windows of the elegant study at the sprawling cityscape. “Five whole hours I was out there, looking for the wrong man! Eurgh! How could I have been duped so easily…?”

“Well, the evidence at the time did seem to indicate the Joker was the culprit… but, if you’ll permit me to say, sir,” Alfred speculated, hanging up the enraged vigilante’s coat, “you do seem to have something of a fixation, regarding him.”

“What do you mean by that?” Bruce managed to hold most of the annoyance out of his voice, but not all of it.

“I do not ‘mean’ anything, sir; am merely venturing the suggestion that you may have allowed your… well-founded presumptions, to cloud your judgement. Jumping to a conclusion is very easy to do, if one prematurely removes any other possible conclusions from which to choose from.”

The wealthy gentleman scowled at the butler in a decidedly un-gentlemanly manner for moment, before his expression cleared in a defeated sigh, his shoulders sagging heavily over the desk as he leaned his elbows against it.

“You’re right, Alfred. I guess the only one who made me look like a fool was me; I blinkered myself. I should have noticed it was odd for him to hide his face from me in the first place; that’s not the Joker’s style at all.”

“A forgivable oversight, considering the circumstances. You are tired, sir,” a tray of finely brewed tea landed soundlessly on the desk in front of the exhausted man, as Alfred stood primly to attention at his side. “Even the best of us cannot function if we are not adequately rested, sir; not even Batman himself.”

Bruce smirked wryly at his companion’s frustrating wisdom, picking up the steaming cup with reluctant admittance. “I suppose you’re right, as always.”

“I try to be, sir.” Alfred permitted himself an acknowledging smile before bowing his leave, returning to whatever myriad of chores he had to accost next. Watching the faithful servant exit the room, Bruce Wane sat back in his large leather chair, taking a long draught of the soothing drink as he attempted to clear his mind; Alfred was right, perhaps what he needed was a good night’s sleep. Goodness knew it had been a long time since he’d had one.

Still, tilting the fine china around in his hands to observe the rich auburn hue of the steaming liquid, he couldn’t help but be reminded of the eccentric scientist that used to work for him and his own pronounced taste for tea, and dreams.

“Jervis Tetch… where are you now?”

Saturday, 18 December 2010

Sentence first- verdict afterwards. Chapter Two.

A MAD TEA PARTY. In which one debt is repayed and another created.

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Solitary confinement is a strange and lonely place for most people, but then, Jervis Tetch was not 'most people'.

For Jervis, it was the usual. It was somewhere to think. It was somewhere he could daydream without being interrupted by constant nonsensical questions and somewhere he could let his mind wander far beyond the perimeters of steel fences and barbed wire. Even the very first time, after getting over the initial shock of complete isolation (and the reason he’d earned it), he had found he really didn’t mind it; his head was usually too full of things to concentrate with other people around, and besides, he was quite used to being alone. Talking to the other inmates in the common room was generally pleasant enough, if a little risky sometimes, and his games of chess with Crane were agreeable (it had been hard to find a worthy opponent of the game before meeting the professor), but it was when he was alone that he could truly relax, and read.

Today, however, the well-thumbed copy of Carroll’s famous works lay quite untouched on the bed in his cell. He had forsaken pacing to and fro when it became evident that it was not assisting his thoughts, but as of yet being perched on the edge of the mattress with his head in his hands didn’t seem to be much of an improvement.

“A PhD in micro-circuitry and human cognition and you can’t even figure your way out of a box… think man, think!”

Striking his pillow with a fist he glared at the tiled floor, as if it might aid him to reach some moment of inspiration which would transport him out of here. He was so consumed in this line of thought that he barely even registered the alarms going off down the hall- in Arkham it was a slow week if they didn’t go off at least once a day, so he had become quite accustomed to the noise, occasionally harmonised by the Joker’s laughter, who had recently taken to setting them off even if he had no intention of escaping.

It was with some surprise then that he registered the sensation of someone’s hand landing on his shoulder and pulling him upright, barely giving him enough time to grab his hat before being yanked out into the corridor.

“Miss… Miss Quinzel?!”

He blinked at the characteristic yellow pigtails bobbing along ahead of him with dumbfounded surprise, as she dragged him along by the wrist with a radiant grin as they ran past empty cells.

“Heya Jervy! Come on~! It’s a party out here!”

“I can see that-” He raised an eyebrow at the absence of the prisoners, attempting to pull alongside the enthusiastic girl to save his hand from being completely removed. “I take it this is an invitation to join it?”

Harley flapped her spare hand and rolled her eyes at her bewildered companion, skidding around a corner at such speed that Jervis almost ran full tilt into the wall. “Aw, don’t be so silly, Jervy; don’cha know what this is?”

Jervis looked at her with a blank expression that expressed that he plainly did not know what this was.

“Why, it’s your un-birthday present!”

Screeching to a halt outside an armoured door, Harley stuck a finger in her ear whilst pressing a remote control with another, a stifled BOOM shaking the foundations of the corridor before the door revealed itself through the smoke, hanging at a crazy angle off its hinges. She beamed proudly as she bowed; “Ta-dah!”

Regarding the exploded door and the concept that Harley knew what an un-birthday was with mute surprise, the mild mannered scientist’s face suddenly broke into such a grin that he would have looked quite insane if he hadn’t been already.

“And all must have prizes… Why, how very thoughtful of you- I must return the favour someday.” He placed the hat on his head with a decidedly wicked slant to his smile. “As for the present moment…”

A short while later the two were charging down the East wing, sirens blaring around them as the entire building churned with chaos, escaped prisoners running in every direction- the vast majority screaming and clutching and catching at things that weren’t there.

“I see that Jonathan has had quite a hand in this?” Jervis observed dryly, as they avoided a man babbling something about jellyfish with panic-stricken eyes.

“Mm-hmm~!” Doctor Quinzel nodded cheerfully, hefting the large satchel further up her shoulder as they waited for a flock of security guards to run across the junction of hallways ahead of them after a band of escapees. “He managed to get hold of a little of his toxin after pretending to be ill- they were tryin’ ta figure out what’s in it in the lab, see, to make an antidote…”

“A little goes a long way,” Tetch remarked, stepping over a man in a dead faint.

“Oh, well, he got more after the first bit took out the medical staff,” Harley explained, as if it were obvious, waving joyfully at Two-Face as they passed him sitting in his cell, the scarred coin continuing to flip up and down in his hand as he waved back disinterestedly. “Poor Harv; he lost the coin-toss,” she stage-whispered to Jervis behind her hand at his inquiring look.

“Don’t worry though, Red’s joining us and Craney- an’ my puddin’ of course,” she managed to add an extra twirl and hand-clasp into her run as they passed by a security camera over-ridden by vines and thorns.

So, the released convicts and their exposure to the toxin was a distraction; that figured. Tetch processed the facts as he opened the door for Harley before they exited into the grounds, the security lights around them whirling uselessly about like lasers at a disco- but that didn’t explain...

“So, why help me?” He gestured behind him as they skimmed down the sloping lawn, the sound of approaching vehicles hastening their steps. “I had no part in this- not that I’m ungrateful for the assistance, of course, very far from it…”

“I know~!”

This earned a puzzled look, but as a convenient ditch had presented itself to them further inquiry was stemmed, as they ducked down into it out of the path of a helicopter’s searchlight. Jervis tisked up at it disdainfully. “Blasted Jubjub bird… they’ve got the city forces arriving already, we shall have to hurry-”

Inmates of Arkham!” A scratching blast of a noise echoed around the grounds from the high-posted speakers, as the sound of cars approaching and screeching to various halts was punctuated by headlights from all directions. “This is the police; we have the asylum completely surrounded. Resistance is useless. Cease your attempts of escape and return to your cells immediately!

Harley made a furious squeaking noise as she threw her bag down, the corner of her red and black outfit peaking out of the zipper as she conducted a small dance of fury.

“Ooooh! You buncha cheats! How come they got here so quick already?!”

“This is a rather unfortunate development…” Jervis admitted, looking around at the wall of cars- so far they had not been spotted, but by a series of Jurassic noises and the sight of several policemen being sent flying by long, lashing vines he judged that Miss Isley had been discovered, if by no means captured.

“Puddin’!” Harley wailed piteously, pulling her bunches down under her ears in consternation, “Mr J~! He wuz still in the building havin’ fun! I hafta go back for him!”

Jervis grimaced slightly- he had never had the smoothest relationship with the Joker; as far as he was concerned the man was a ruthless cad with as many manners as a Bandersnatch. Just why Miss Quinzel found him so admirable he could never quite fathom; but seeing her in such distress, and knowing of the Joker’s part in this attempt, he could hardly condone leaving the man to be caught before he’d even escaped. Scoping the area he noted that the ditch they were in led quite close to the asylum’s copious garage facility.

“Alright, Miss Quinzell; you go and fetch your laughing companion, I’ll obtain what transport I can and meet you at the main gate.” It was a crazy move, but that could work in their favour- the police likely wouldn’t expect them to use the main entrance as their exit, especially not by car. Evidently Harley thought it was worth a shot, as she brightened up instantly, delving a hand into her satchel before pressing something that looked like a hand-buzzer into his palm.

“That’s the key to Mr J’s car: they’ll still have it impounded, they only brought him in last week.” Scampering away with a wave as she flipped and ducked around the ever increasing spot lights, Jervis tipped the brim of his hat to her before setting off along the trench determinedly; he wasn’t going to miss this chance. If he did, who knew when the next opportunity would present itself; security would sky rocket after this incident, and besides, even one more day might be one too many for her.

“Alice…”

Eventually reaching the side of the ditch that fronted the garage, he pressed himself down against the earth whilst two patrol men ran past to where a sound of maniacal laughter was issuing from inside. He threw his own satchel onto the tarmac before climbing up himself. He hadn’t been able to salvage much from the supplies room- they’d destroyed the vast majority of his cards. As it was all he had was his old outfit, the control-band and a mere three of the white, rectangular devices marked with ten-and-six. He frowned down at one of the remaining cards as he approached the doors, sliding the band back under the felt of his hat. Wantonly demolishing such advanced work; savages. Honestly, these people simply didn’t understand the beauty of technology.

“Halt! Who goes- you?!” A guard turned sharply to face the blond man wearing the ludicrously oversized hat, but it was unfortunate for him that he had rounded the corner so closely, as the range allowed the convict to easily deposit the card behind his ear, the guard’s eyes turning glassy and void in an instant.

“Yes, I do ‘go’; well done old chap.” Removing the keys from the unlucky man’s belt he let himself into the large steel storage house with a dismissive wave. “Now do excuse me, I’m due to give my friends a lift…”

A few moments later there were policemen and guards diving left and right like confetti to avoid the progress of the garish purple automobile storming along the access road. Swerving crazily between the gathered panda cars, the Joker’s car screeched to a halt just short of the main gate, Jervis looking out over the grass, his over-sized teeth clenched in urgency; “Come on, Miss Quinzel, we’ll be late…” He observed the first cars recovering and taking off towards him apprehensively- they’d be on him in moments, and he really never had taken to driving these American cars; left hand drive had always flummoxed him.

“Over heee~ere!”

A bubbly voice sang over in a notably more panicked tone than usual, as a brightly-coloured figurine of a girl could be made out running towards the violet car, but no purple-suited man accompanied her.

“Harley! Where is he?”

“I couldn’t reach him to get him out; he was too busy having fu- oomph!”

The jester-like silhouette tripped and tumbled into the ditch ahead of her, before being swiftly pulled out of it backwards by what had caught her ankle.



A part of Jervis’s chest froze solid for a moment at the sight of the sharp-eared cowl and jagged edged cloak, as the blacker-than-black creature hauled the squirming Harley to her feet. She succeeded in giving the Batman a handsome kick to the shins which bought her a moment to yell; “Don’t’cha worry about us! You just get outta here, J-”

A small injection of sedative rendered the rest of her message blank, as the ominous shadow turned to look up at the car’s driver, Jervis shading his features with his arm.

Cursing beneath his breath he laid his foot on the gas so hard that the wheels span screeching in place before the Joker-mobile shot off as such velocity that it took down the entire gate with it before careering down the winding path away from the asylum.

Seeing the flotilla of cop cars gaining on him in the reverse mirror his hand hesitated over what he estimated to be a smoke screen device, but instead found himself laughing in triumph as the forerunners snagged on the bent and buckled wrought-iron gates, the very letters of the asylum’s name tearing into the rubber of their tires as the pursuers bottled up their own companions behind them, skidding and grinding down to their axels in a highly effective blockade. Even the batmobile couldn’t plough through that lot, certainly not without hurting anyone.


Watching the vibrant car roar off into the distance, the vigilante known as Batman narrowed his masked eyes at the receding vehicle whilst hefting the unconscious girl over his shoulder, repeating her parting message. “You just get outta here, J-”

Conducting a bad tempered about-face he handed the re-captured inmate to the police who had approached him, as one officer rubbed the back of his neck ruefully.

“Damn, that makes two of ‘em now, at least… was that-?”

“Don’t worry,” the growling voice caused the cop to freeze in his boots, as the sweeping cape brushed past him to disappear from the scene, “the Joker won’t be out of his cage for long.”

A black-gloved hand balled into a tight fist. “I’ll see to that.”


Tonight had been a good night. Billy’s meeting had been big and important and productive, and the meal had gone down as well as Alice’s report that she had had a perfectly nice and uneventful day tending to the house plants and getting the bills in order in time for Christmas. Initially Billy had been sceptical about allowing her to keep flowers in the house, but what was a couple of roses and a tiger lily to knowing that she was at home, and happy to be there?

Now sat watching the usual evening programs (or, at least, Billy was watching them; Alice pretended to, her mind elsewhere), the night drew on into winter darkness outside the cosy, electrically lit room where Mr and Mrs Antrim sat. Alice Antrim- she’d never thought about how it would sound before the wedding really, and that had come so terribly suddenly. She’d always been Alice Pleasance, why would she think of herself as anything else? Yet here she was, Mrs Antrim; A. Antrim, how strange, to have both initials as the same letter. Something about it always struck her as silly; it made her sound so like some character in a book, although she would never mention this to Billy of course.

These thoughts were interrupted by the program changing to the nine o’clock news, showing an image that was still so fresh in her memory that Alice reflexively tensed up at the shot of the sprawling asylum, as if the lady sat at the broadcasting desk were about to announce- “And now a trip to Wonderland; news that Alice Antrim visited the man that she drove mad today startles the city…” Although to her relief she realised this was nonsense, so she relaxed to listen to what the lady actually had to say.

As it turned out, what the lady actually had to say was not a great improvement to her imaginings.

“A mass breakout attempt?” Billy snorted contemptuously, flicking a hand at the screen derisively; “You see the sort of madhouse that place is? Rehabilitation, my left foot; they ought to shoot the lot of ‘em…”

Alice said nothing. They had had that discussion before, and she didn’t care to repeat it no matter how much she disagreed with him. She never won, at any rate.

“Doesn’t look like many of them got out anyway, which one is Pamela Isley again?”

“Poison Ivy, dear.” Mrs Antrim informed him. Mr Antrim scowled at the name.

“Bunch of power-crazed loonies running about in their costumes, tearing up the city like they can just turn people’s lives upside-down without so much as a by-or-leave.”

Mrs Antrim nodded mutely along with whatever her husband was talking about, trying to focus on what the report was saying about the place she had been sat in mere hours ago. A mass escape movement… it seemed the police had gotten to the scene quickly enough for things to be brought back under control, but they were still checking on how many had gotten out, the only two definite escapees being Ivy and the Joker; pictures of the latter’s car now being shown along with instructions for the public to report any sightings of it to the police immediately. When she’d been walking towards the visitors room Alice had heard someone laughing hysterically down one of the halls; she had instantly supposed at the time that it was the Joker, the noise had given her such a case of shivers. To think that he was out there, in the city, right this minute… and yet, she found herself more occupied by the possibility that another of the inmates might have been involved…

“Ah well, the big B’ll get those nutcases; don’t you worry about a thing, honey.” Billy concluded his unheard tirade, switching off the television and giving Alice a peck on the cheek which she avoided flinching at just in time. “Come on, it’s been a long day; let’s go to bed.”

He smiled, one of those warm, faithful smiles that he used to give her that had reminded her of some blockish, cuddly labrador wagging its tail. It hadn’t always been this way, it had been that way. Alice smiled back, hoping that it looked like the ones that she used to give him. “Okay.”

So Mr and Mrs Antrim went to bed.


But while these two retired for the night, there were a great many people in Gotham that night who would not, could not sleep for a good many hours yet. The police searching the immediate vicinity of the asylum stocked up on their instant coffees as they put the thought of rest to the back of their minds, as names and cells were checked and re-checked, the searchlights still prying open the shadows of the now-quiet grounds. Commissioner Gordon gave the sheet the Head Warden had just handed to him yet another disbelieving stare, the sound of raucous laughter still echoing out of the room they were stood in front of.

“Well I’ll be… damn, looks like we’re going to have to completely re-think this business. See to it that the update reaches the media-centre immediately; I want a news flash as soon as possible, ‘you hear?” He handed the data to a grim-faced sergeant who saluted smartly before bolting off towards the communications van, the grey-haired commander shaking his head in frustration.

“Who’d’ve thought… seems we underestimated him. Any news on Poison Ivy yet?”

The Warden shook his own head in the negative.

“Lost all track of her since the professor stepped in; we might have caught Crane, but she slipped right through our fingers. Could be miles away by now, knowing her.”

The commissioner grimaced in agreement, but turned back to his squadron with no less determination. “Perhaps, but she’s on foot, at least- we’ll have more chance of catching her now than we will later, even if it isn’t daylight. I want teams searching in every direction it’s possible to move without transport, now! Let’s move, people!”

The search parties saluted before dividing off for their duties, a sense of futility about the entire exercise already settling over the groups.

“-And what about Tetch?” Officer Montoya approached Gordon from over his shoulder, the hand resting easily on her holster matching her lethally unimpressed expression. “Do you think we’ll find him before sunrise?”

“I can only hope so, Montoya,” her superior sighed in a manner that expressed that, despite his hopes, he didn’t think it likely; “He certainly pulled a fast one on us this time though, that’s for sure.”


The familiar skyline of the city had an additional silhouette that night, as graceful and imposing as the architecture of Gotham itself, as the Batman scoured every alleyway and rooftop for some glimpse of the car with a grin as wide as its bumper or its owner, still blissfully unaware that the driver he was seeking was not the man he supposed.

If he had supposed correctly, he might have been more occupied in searching for a distinctively bedraggled mass of yellow hair cresting a curiously hatted man with a large overbite, as the car had long since been parked and covered with a tarpaulin at the docks, the man himself having departed that area some thirty minutes ago.

Approaching the door of the harmless looking shop, windows frosted with the grime of dereliction, Jervis Tetch tutted disapprovingly, fixing the lop-sided sign before he entered the front door. It was a small place; easy enough to let on a small fee from an alternative bank account (and under a false name, naturally). Not exactly a secret lair for large-scale covert operations, but a safe-hold, a place to wait out the night.

What had become of the others involved at the asylum and the misunderstandings that had resulted would have to be learned in the morning papers, as the most-wanted man in Gotham collapsed on the bed upstairs to fall asleep without so much as drawing up the covers.


Even the criminally insane had their limits, after all.